I remember the first day I took an oestrogen pill. June 1st, 2022. A moment of silence occupied the space around me, and I felt an immediate sense of liberation. Suddenly, there was nothing—nothing to control, worry about, or convince people of. There was just me. Even though there were no physical changes yet, there was a shift in the way I perceived my body. I knew who I was, and I didn’t have to convince anyone otherwise. My physical body was still presented as male; however, I didn’t care. I started to wear whatever I wanted, speak how I wanted, and let my body move the way it wanted to. A sense of freedom took over, and I had never felt more liberated in my body and demeanour. All this confidence led to saying more yeses to myself and solidifying who I am. Saying the big yes to myself—hormonal therapy—boosted my confidence so much that it lasted a long time. This confidence carried me through life like nobody else was watching.

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Starting to live my life the way I wanted changed everything. Before transitioning, I had been dissociated from my feelings; my body had never truly felt them. Emotions felt distant, like I was watching them happen rather than experiencing them. There was no depth, no nuance—just a black-and-white understanding of what I was supposed to feel. I knew when I should be happy or sad, but I could never truly feel it. Transitioning allowed emotions to become a spectrum of colours rather than a flat, detached experience. I was never able to access them for some reason. It felt like all my emotions were locked deep inside, unable to surface. Starting hormonal therapy was the key to unlocking those emotions and letting them run through my body. Within the first few months, I started experiencing emotions to an extent I had never felt before. Small things would make me cry. I remember watching this TV show where a medium passed on messages from dead people to their living relatives. This show made me cry every night, but I also laughed at the fact that it did. As ridiculous as it was, I had never felt more alive. Emotions flushing through my body felt like being splashed with a bucket of water. Every emotional experience was heightened, whether positive or negative. It gave me a sense of being—of knowing that I am. Being more in touch with my emotions has allowed me to truly empathize with people. Empathy was a foreign concept to me before. Now, I know. I know what people feel when they say they are anxious, sad, happy, or frustrated. This knowledge has strengthened and improved my relationships with friends and family. Becoming more emotionally intelligent and getting to know myself better, I experience life as a kid once again. I wasn’t, and I am not, dissociating anymore. The presence is so truthful that I don’t have to dream of a better place to be. I am just here—for me, for my friends, and for the experience.

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About a year into my transition, I signed myself up for theatre classes and started regularly submitting self-tapes for acting in commercials. I started doing things I had always wanted to do, but this time as my genuine self. I also started dating—well, I wouldn’t call it dating, but I mostly looked for casual encounters. These experiences brought many new interactions into my life, which also introduced a whole new spectrum of emotions. My body had a lot to catch up with. I became moodier. At first, I was oblivious to it and a bit sceptical, but second puberty in transitioning is a real thing. Before experiencing it, I never thought it would hit so hard. The foundation of it was going through an immense number of emotions within a very short period. These emotions were also amplified by the intensity with which I experienced them. A simple thought or interaction could trigger a flood of emotions that would surge through my body. It was annoying at times because most of these experiences were very relatable to someone in their teenage years. My emotions made me feel like I was a teenager again, which often clashed with my rational mind—a mind that had more experience than my body and had other, adult things to deal with. However, it was necessary for my body to go through what it needed to so I could reconnect my feelings with my mind and solidify the connection between them. This often led to cringeworthy comments or situations that I wished I could take back—or erase from history—for both me and the perceiver.

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Having crushes on guys was one example of those cringe-worthy times. The crushes wouldn’t stop. One after another, I kept imagining them in my life, enjoying each other’s presence and being close. A new image replaced the last every time I moved on from another white, blonde man with blue eyes. It was so tiring and frustrating, but at the same time, I still wanted to feel close to somebody. So, I decided to download dating apps. Gosh, was that a mistake. I wasn’t setting my expectations high, but fuck, the bar for genuine men is LOW. There was no substance to most of the men I was talking to, and even when I thought I was finally speaking to someone genuine, they would eventually ghost me or turn out not to be who they claimed. I hated the ghosting part most. Why ghost? Just communicate and say it’s not working for you. Ghosting is so ugly, especially when you’ve been talking to someone for a long time. At one point, I cried over a guy in the ocean while having a swim. “What the fuck? How did I get to the point of being so emotionally invested in men that don’t deserve it?” I thought to myself a second after this hysterical, dramatic performance. This emotional rollercoaster of everlasting crushes and trying to date men lasted eight months. After that, I took a long break from dating apps and started focusing on myself.

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Beside men, being so emotional and moody reflected on my social life as well. I remember this instance with my friend Gabi, who I went camping with along with other friends over Christmas. Gabi and I are close, and we always communicate any discrepancies maturely. There was a point at the trip where she pointed something out about me, and I didn’t like it. It triggered me so much, my body screamed to fucking rage at her. I yelled, and let the anger take control. Having the more rational mind, it didn’t take me long to realise how much I overreacted. This interaction was a great mirror for the intensity in which the second puberty is affecting me. I have always communicated my feelings with friends well, so this was a good wake up call.

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Working whilst going through second puberty wasn’t fun either. I work in a call centre. I have three positions, an operator, an assistant to the team leader, and a second in command. I either respond to customers inquiries, train new staff, or monitor performance of more experienced ones. The call centre is super busy, and the nature of the job is very fast paced, which comes with a lot of changes happening regularly. Training new people as a leader can be emotionally taxing especially when dealing with difficult cases. I was so exhausted from managing my emotions in my personal life that I did not have energy left to do so at work too. The continuous changes, fast paced environment, and the demand for constant alertness made me so exhausted I had two breakdowns at work over period of three months. The work was super helpful however, and provided space for me to have a breather, but it is something I still want to change for better opportunities in the future.

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During this time, I was also proactively submitting self-tapes for TV commercials. I was going for it for a long time, but I was receiving a lot of rejections. I completed two theatre classes during this time but could not afford to go any further. Being so unsuccessful (at least in my eyes) in so many aspects of my life, it has affected my mental health. I stopped applying for commercials, stopped dating (I mean, this part was for the better anyway), and I suddenly started losing all the confidence. Suddenly I started yet again caring about what people think of me and started judging everything I do. I now see it as part of the process. Part of the second puberty. There is still a lot to take from this year though. The theatre classes thought me a lot, my teacher was the best I could ask for, and my classmates were wholesome people. I made a good friend there, Kolia, who is a friend of mine till this day.

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2024 brought a lot of focus on myself and my health. This year came with a lot of new, greater experiences. I kept going to yoga classes which I have now been doing for more than 2 years, and it has been the most stable part of my life. I also got a nasal surgery to help me breathe through my nose. It financially broke me, but it was the best decision I ever made. This year has brought more emotional stability, as my body had learned a lot by that point. Halfway through the year I decided to get on dating apps again, with no expectations, and stronger boundaries. I really wanted to get intimate, but I struggled to simply hook up with someone. My gender dysphoria was strong, and I needed someone who I could trust to explore the intimacy. I did end up dating a guy for about three months. This experience brough a lot of self-love, and big piece of solidification of my identity as a trans woman. When I thought about getting intimate with someone before this, it would bring up a lot of fear. A fear of not feeling feminine or being invalidated as a trans woman. The respect, patience, and treatment I received from this guy, however, made me feel like a woman in ways I didn’t know I can. The intimacy was suddenly such a beautiful experience for me, and I felt even more in line with being who I am. However, we didn’t date for long and after three months he decided to end things. It was done for very mature reasons, and in the interest of both of us. It was difficult to let go of such experience, considering the amount of good it brought. It truly broke me, but I put myself back together. 

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Without this experience I wouldn’t be able to try what I did next though. I became a dominatrix. Only for a bit, but it was the most insane and amazing experience I have had. The best part about it was that I didn’t touch no d*ck. I was in control, telling them what to do. What they can and cannot do. Men would pay me to simply lick on my toes and kiss my legs. My favourite one out of all experiences was when I went shopping with a sub. I set up to meet at Tommy Hilfiger store, where he was supposed to buy me this one-piece swimsuit. “You can make yourself useful by holding my bag” – I said upon arrival, passing him my bag. “Yes Goddess” – he responded. Whilst I was browsing the store, looking for the swimsuit, he sat in the corner, holding my bag like the good boy he is. I couldn’t find the swimsuit though. They didn’t have it. I then called him, and said we will go somewhere else as they do not have what I was looking for. This whole time he is walking behind me, carrying my bag. It felt so good. We went to Sephora. Again, he sat in the corner of the store, waiting for me to pick something for myself. Once I was ready, we headed towards the cashier. You should have seen the face of the girl behind the counter when that man approached the till and tapped his card upon her telling the total amount. She knew. She knew exactly what was happening. I loved every second of it. I felt the same when I met a client in the city hotel. Coming out of an uber, dressed so provocatively, stepping into the reception area with no shame but confidence. The stares of people and receptionist were so obvious. I didn’t care. I felt like Julia Roberts in Pretty woman. These experiences have thought me how not to care about what people think again, and I am so grateful for it. I later became a bit tired of the job, and so I let it go. As much of an amazing experience it was, it didn’t truly feel like me. However, it definitely shaped who I am now. Wow, what a year it has been.

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Going through puberty as an adult has been difficult. You are so aware of it, but at the same time, you must let it do what it needs to do. As a teenager, you slowly become aware of emotions and actions over a long period and learn as you go. You allow yourself to just be. Most teenagers have the space to do so. Apart from studying, most have no other responsibilities. As an adult, I have greater responsibilities, and I live in a foreign country on a restrictive visa. Managing all this has been the biggest journey of my life so far.

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I am trying to focus on myself as much as I can. It’s difficult, but I know I am on the right path. It’s soon going to be almost three years since I took my first oestrogen pill. I can say I have been the happiest in my life. It has been, and still is, an emotional rollercoaster, but I am loving every single emotion—sadness, joy, frustration, anger—any kind, whether positive or negative. Before transitioning, I had been dissociated from my feelings; my body had never truly felt them. Having full access to the range of emotions I can experience as a human being has been the most eye-opening journey toward my own identity. Toward someone who has always been there but pushed themself away for others’ sake. Making decisions mindfully to ensure my own happiness and satisfaction builds up and solidifies my identity. I have never felt more like myself. Seeing myself physically change over the last couple of years has been tremendously euphoric. My body is finally becoming an embodiment of my feelings and thoughts—the reflection I always saw in the glass cabinet when I was a kid. I love my present self, and I cannot wait to feel more, discover more, and say yes to myself more. Cheers to that!